“No one can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start now and make a new ending.” Inspirational but not my topic. “Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel it.” Funny but also not my topic. “Go die.” That’s my topic.
Here’s my story on fast forward. Basically, my mom holds grudges so everything my dad’s been doing wrong has been piling up on top of each other and has never been forgiven or forgotten. It started getting worse the 2nd semester of my junior year when my mom’s only reason to come home was to sleep and take me to school the next day. Then summer came and I could have seen her maybe 5 times for those 2 and a half months. Anyways, senior year began and my mom started coming home in the mornings and taking me to school like usual. Even though the car ride couldn’t have been any more than 5 minutes, it seemed like hell. I couldn’t start off my day with questions like “Did your dad die yet?” or “Where did you bury your sister?”. I told my mom that I would carpool with my friends. Ever since then I only see my mom when I am needed or holidays. Weird since my parents aren’t legally divorced or separated.
Now that we are caught up. About three months ago from today, I get a text from my mom to come over to my auntie’s house to help my little cousin with homework. Once, I got there I walk to her new room and say “Hi momma!” and as my lips just touched her forehead I hear “Go die,” Slip through her lips. Those have been the last words she has said to me that did not have anything to do with her taxes for my FAFSA.
To keep sane and not annoy my friends as much with my life, during my junior year, I began writing anonymous columns for our school newspaper about how screwed up my family is which led to this letter to my mom.
I’m really sorry mom. I’m sorry the house got so bad that you had to move out. I’m sorry that you can’t even talk to me without wanting to yell at the top of your lungs. I’m sorry that you felt you had to literally kick me off the couch. I really am sorry for all of that and everything else I did wrong. I just need it to be your turn. It’s time for you to say sorry for who I turned out to be.
I need an apology for leaving me when I needed you most. I’m a senior in high school, this is a big mile stone in my life but I don’t have a mom to share it with. It kills me inside to see everyone else telling their moms about their day, teachers, relationships, and anything else they’re going through, but I’m sitting here thinking about where you could possibly be.
I need an apology for making me not believe in marriage. You act like a child when it comes to problems. You can’t talk about any of it because I know you’re scared of confrontations. I know this because I take it after you. Marriage seems worthless when I look at yours and dads. To be honest, I was a little happy that you guys were finally getting a divorce. It meant you guys could finally move on but the sad thing is that the only thing keeping you guys together is our culture.
I need an apology for all the hurtful things you’ve said to me. The worst one you’ve said to me that I will never be able to forget is “If I knew you were going to be like this, I would have held your nose shut when you were a baby.” Because of that I no longer want to have kids. I never even want to have a chance of making them go through what I am.
I want it to be the way it used to be. I want to go back to when I was 2 because when I cried you held me and made the tears go away. Now you’re the source of them. I still love you mom and I always will. Even though we’ve never said it to each other without a sarcastic tone because it’s too Americanized for our culture to do so. I wish we had because then maybe I wouldn’t be so mad at you right now but it’s not like that. I’m mad that you know nothing about me. Like did you know I got nominated to be homecoming queen? Did you know I actually won? Did you know you would be the only person I could tell that I was soooo happy to hear my name and everyone clapping and cheering without sounding self-centered? Did you know I used to cry every night and still do when I think about you because you left? Did you know I can’t even write this without having to stop after every paragraph to wipe my tears? Did you know I am no longer sad? These tears aren’t pain but now anger.
Everyone asks me why I try to build a relationship with you when I never get a good reaction back from you. Even though I don’t admit to it, it’s because I really do need you. So how many sorrys do I have to say for you to come home? Tell me and I promise I’ll say 10,000 more.
Before this visual essay becomes too long. I’ll explain the point of it. I am who I am today because of my mom. If you’ve been wondering why I view life so differently, its because of her. Everyone says “friends come and go but family sticks with you.” That quote has been mythbusted.
To those of you who have lost your mom, I am truly sorry and I give you my sympathy. For those who have a mom who you can talk to about funny, loud and weird teachers, about your relationships, about how frustrating, exciting, sad, boring, or eventful your day was, consider yourself very lucky.